Here's the story of a girl named Trina...

For all who know me know that I am for the most part a pretty private person and that I normally only let people in "so far" because THAT is my comfort level... So what I am about to do is going to be a shock to my system to say the least... I am "outing" myself and making myself vulnerable and open to EVERYONE... Not because I like discomfort but because this blog partnered with my sister is what God has laid on my heart to do so heavily that I could no longer ignore Him... So here goes... My seat belt is fastened and I am ready for the bumps this is going to bring...

First let me start by saying that I have the most incredible 2 children that any momma could ever have! I tell EVERYONE who will listen that if God told me that I could choose any two kids in the whole wide world to be mine I would have chosen the 2 He gave me because that is how AWESOMETASTIC they really are! I have an AMAZING husband who is so supportive of me, my wants, my desires, my dreams(and I can dream pretty darn BIG!!) that it is almost his Achilles heel.... I love my life and even though there are certain parts of it that I would not have chosen for myself I know, that I know, that I KNOW that's the stuff God uses... And part of that "stuff" is what I am about to open myself to... Its raw, its real, its HEART-CRUSHING and through this blog I am praying that it will be cathartic not only for me and my sweet sister but for other women who feel so alone and deserted in life over the same subject... Miscarriage and Infertility. THERE! I said it! Whew! That tasted AWFUL coming out-- even online....

My journey starts last year in 2010... Let me share a little about my crazy life... NO REALLY... I live la vida loca ALL THE TIME!!!!! My hubby is a Federal Officer and he was "stationed" 300 miles away from where we live. We decided that he would move there alone since he was assured by our government-- that should have been our first clue something might not go as planned... LOL!-- that his required minimum time in that city would only be 2 years... we thought-- its gonna be tough but we can do it and he can travel home every other weekend (every weekend would be just too expensive and especially since then gas has become more expensive than a gallon of milk)and besides we are still in the same state... Well... Once he "reported for duty" he found out that his minimum time is now actually 3 years... Well in March of 2012 that was 6 years ago... He has requested SEVERAL transfers home but alas nothing... Apparently God has different plans there huh?! And do YOU want to argue with Him over that?? Yeah-- me either... I  know what you're thinking-- "well why don't you move to where he is??" I agree! I would LOVE to live under the same roof as my husband but again-- God has other plans... Every time that I pray about moving to where he is (the city he lives in is not really the safest city nor the greatest place to raise a family-- I am not really mentioning it because of safety reasons-- for HIM and us... hes a Fed...) I ask God to be so blatantly obvious with me about the answer that there is NO mistaking what He is requiring of me as far as obedience goes. I have to pray for obvious answers from God because He knows me-- He made me for goodness sake-- He KNOWS that I will read into all kinds of things and act accordingly and get myself into such a heaping mess of trouble that I believe it is just better to ask Him like that. Trust me! It has been a LIFESAVER every time! so that is why we live 300 miles apart.

Well in 2010, we decided that God just was not done with our family yet... My hubby and I came to each other at almost the EXACT same minute and said "Lets have a baby!" and actually he had been asking me for a few years before that to expand our brood but I always told him that we had the "perfect family" we have a boy and a girl... I am going to be honest with you here-- I had NO desire to have another baby! My son was 8 lbs 9 oz and my daughter was 9 lbs 9 oz (PRAISE THE LORD FOR C-SECTIONS!!!!!) But I could see he had such a desire for another baby that I started to pray "God, if YOU want us to have another baby I am going to need YOU to change my heart about it because if you leave it up to me-- it ain't happenin'...." (come to think of it-- I pray like that a lot... ) So anyway-- I kept praying and suddenly my "I can only love 2 kids" heart had changed and now I felt the same desire as my husband! WHAT?! How did that happen you ask?? Well when you start praying for rain you had better put on your raincoat and carry an umbrella! So there we were... ready! But now... timing! he is after all 300 miles away... not always conducive to conception... So we tried and tried and prayed and prayed... then in the end of May of 2010 we found out-- we were EXPECTING!!!!! I cannot tell you how over the moon our whole family was! It was exciting news! My daughter who was 9 at the time that we had found out was really the last baby to be born in our family... So we were so happy! I would start buying a pack of diapers here and there and a few things I could not live without for our "lil peanut" as we lovingly referred to it. I even bought baby books so that "big brother" and "big sister" could see and track progress. To say the least we, as a family of 4 and 1/3 we were electrified! We decided that we would wait to tell friends and church family until the "safe" 2nd trimester... I mean even though I had already had 2 safe full-term pregnancies, I was, however, getting "up there" in age...

I had the same doctor for both of my kids and the year before we found out that he no longer took our insurance and I really trusted him! So I figured that I would find a temporary doctor until I could switch our insurance in November to one he took. I mean-- really -- I was a pro at this pregnancy thing right?! I could hold off.... Well I found a doctor near home... So I called and made my appointment! YAY! This was REAL!!!! I mean-- I had an APPOINTMENT!!!!! I went to my appointment... Disappointment doesn't even begin to cover the feelings I had for this doctor...My first visit he told me that once he delivered my baby by C-Section that he would go ahead and tie my tubes since I would already be "opened up"... WHAT?? Did I black out for a second and ask him to do that or did he REALLY just make that decision on his own for my ovaries??  But I thought-- "No! You are comparing him to YOUR doctor-- you cannot do that-- give him a chance! And besides... its only until November-- remember??" So I stayed on with him and made my appointment for the next month for a sonogram. I was going to be 10 1/2 weeks... I went to my sonogram appointment in his office... so excited to maybe be able to "see" my lil peanut! Maybe even get some pictures to post on Facebook when the time came for us to shout to the world that we were gonna have another baby! But immediately I could tell that something was wrong... And then he said it.. " I am going to send you to the radiology department of the hospital... I cant find the baby's heartbeat." And just like that my world froze... What did that mean??  Was I being punked?? Was Ashton Kutcher hiding someplace to surprise me?? I must say that I was determined that I was not going to let this doctor see me cry! I thanked him and went on my way to the radiology department. I made a quick stop to text my prayer warrior friends to start praying for me! The lady did all of her tests. I asked her if she saw anything... I mean-- I had my friends praying for a miracle! And besides that the doctors office had such outdated equipment that it WAS possible that they made a mistake. She, like every tech will, told me that she could not discuss it but my doctor would call me... Once I left the radiology department, I called my doctors office and asked that once the results came in they call me immediately. The person on the phone told me "Well if she didn't say anything to you then its good news! Congratulations!" So for the rest of the day I was on cloud nine! That was July 14th. I remember that because the next day was my wedding anniversary....

I will say this... God gives us mercies in the little things that when we look back we realize how truly BIG those mercies really were... On the morning of my anniversary, July 15, 2010. I woke up so tired that I texted my boss to let him know that I would be late that moring since I was moving so slow... Thank the Lord for understanding bosses! As I was about to get into the shower my phone rang. The caller ID said it was my doctor. He must be calling me to tell me that everything was ok I thought to myself... So I picked it up... I will probably not forget his words for a long time to come but he said so matter of factly that the words hurt "Did the tech tell you anything yesterday?"  I said no and that his person in his office told me that was good news-- that if something had been wrong she would have said something. He then said "Well I got the report back and it is just what I said yesterday-- the baby has no heartbeat. I am going to schedule you for a D&C for tomorrow. It is fairly safe I have done hundreds so its really no big deal. I will have my person call you for scheduling a time. ok? see you then." and then we hung up. Fairly safe? Hes done hundreds? Well I haven't had hundreds so its not really that common for me now is it?? I was devastated. that was 9 in the morning. I knew that Javi (my hubby) was still asleep 300 miles away because he had worked the midnight shift the night before... All I remember feeling was numb and alone. I called him anyway. I hated that I was going to ruin his anniversary the way mine had been but I really NEEDED him! A 3 1/2 hour trip took him 2 1/2 hours that day.

I remember praying about it... Really intensely! I remember talking to a sweet friend about it and she told me not to do anything permanent until I got a "Second Opinion".... She was right! I thought-- well even though I am positive when I conceived (Hubby was only home every other weekend...) maybe I was not as far along as I thought... Once my husband got to the house we decided that we would go to the ememrgency room and have them do some tests... So 8 hours and a sonogram later it was confirmed... Our lil peanut was gone. I remember thinking about how devastating and helpless I felt... The doctors gave me the name of another doctor to follow up with and meds to help my body miscarry.... And just like that all of the dreams we had for our baby were gone. I remember thinking that somehow my body had betrayed me... that I must be broken some how-- that my womb was broken... So we went home and I started on the meds... I was assured that the medicine they gave me would take affect immediately so in the next 48 hours it would be all "over".... After 48 hours NOTHING had happened.... Was this a cruel joke?? I really wanted NEEDED for this to be over so that I could start to heal emotionally and mentally not to mention physically....  We went to the follow up doctor the hospital recommended and he did a sonogram... Yep-- that is the 3rd one... I remember thinking and telling my husband "I cant do this anymore-- I cannot do one more sonogram! I have not ever had so many sonograms for a dead baby!" and just like that my sweet husband who had been so strong FOR ME started to hurt on the outside-- he kept it together long enough and I could see that he felt helpless too... I had forgotten that my sweet husband had lost a baby too... And I could see he was trying to find a way to make it stop hurting for me and I could see in his eyes that he couldnt... and then I saw how incredibly helpless he was too. We were in this together... All he way... And we were going to get through this hurt... TOGETHER. My bond with my husband had never been as strong as it was that day and has continued to be . I realized that we were one... One flesh that was floating in a sea of hurt and we were clinging to each other. I truly love that man! He is my rock and I am more grateful for him every day that passes....My incredible husband was Gods gift to me!  Once the doctor came back in he told me that the meds were not working and he was going to up my dose to a level that he had never heard of any woman taking... So we went home...And we did the meds...And waited... and nothing happened... Again in my grief I realized that my broken womb was protecting my dead baby... My body was not letting go! This was the most agonizing thing I had ever been through... Why was God allowing me to suffer like this????

We prayed about it and then we decided that we would find abother doctor to do a D&C since the doctor the hospital referred us to was AMAZING he alas did not take our insurance.... DRAT!!!! And by this time enough was enough! I looked up on our insurances website a list of doctors... God was in that too... He pointed me to a doctor that I would not normally have gone with but I called and made an appointment for the next day... Javi and I went and met the doctor.... Here come those mercies again-- I was so upset that I could not eat... And when I saw the doctor and he did an exam he asked when I would like to do the "surgery"... I looked at him with tears in my eyes and asked if we could do it that day... He asked if I had eaten anything... (God, thank you!) I said no... so he scheduled my surgery for that day... I will say that this is now my new doctor because he was so amazing and the care he and his staff took and gave to me and Javi was something I could never repay! And so that night started the healing for our family...

I will say this-- I know some of you may not understand what I am about to say but those who call Jesus Savior, Friend, Teacher, HEALER know... As much as this time in my life was THE suck... I know that God has a plan for our family! And another thing-- IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL! I really honestly dont have a choice in that after all but I know in Heaven there is a little half Cuban/ half Polock baby running around that is the twinkle in Gods eye and He calls that baby "Peanut"... How can THAT  not possibly be well with my soul??!!

This has been a very painful entry to write and it has been wrought with tears and through tear covered eyes but I know that it was written for someone. God is going to heal someone through this... To not feel so alone. I think that too many women suffer through this alone becasue they feel like they HAVE to... I know that there were some people who only meant the very best who would tell me that this was probably a blessing in disguise or that at least I hadnt felt the baby move yet or that thank goodness I hadnt seen its sweet face yet... These are probably the reasons women keep this locked inside of them... There is HOPE! I keep coming back to Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..." How sweet is that????  He has a plan for my life! Even the sucky icky parts-- HE has a plan! And I will cling to that with ALL that I am!

I will end this entry with this... My husband and I are still wanting a baby (and trying for one) but we crave Gods will for our lives so much more and if it is His will to only have 2 beatiful little people (well not really so little-- our son is 16 and our daughter is 11) then we are perfectly happy with those 2! But if He choses to bless us with more then we will welcome them with open arms! But our lil Peanut will be in our hearts until the day we meet that little sweetie in Heaven!

Pain is inevitable... but misery is optional!