FRED...

I know its childish... but I have a pet name for my period. I have called it this name since my freshman year in high school... It was a time when I really was SO shy about this sort of thing-- talking about periods and such... I have named it "FRED"....I know what you are wondering... Why FRED?? The way that I see it is this-- anything that is going to give me this many problems HAS to be a man... and FRED was the name that popped into my head... so FRED it has been for many many moons now... Well I just want to say that it is just so frustrating seeing FRED these days... I feel so defeated I guess is the best way to describe my feelings about FRED.... I feel like I am a failure every month that I see FRED.... And then I get so frustrated with myself because I think that even though I get regular FREDs (regular for me anyway...) I think that I may have waited too long to make up my mind about wanting another baby... I am quickly approaching 40... like literally at lightening speed! And it makes me so sad that I waited this long... FRED is here with me right now and he likes to bring these silly things with him for his sleepovers... things like-- tears for NO REASON whatsoever! and bloating and lucky for me its Christmas time because he comes riding in on the "Bi-Polar Express".... FRED, I have come to realize is an emotional terrorist....  I am not complaining really... because seeing FRED regularly tells me that my body can still get pregnant but its so stinkin' hard to NOT rush God... Thank you for allowing me to vent!

Trina
(This rant was brought to you by FRED)

It's Ok....

It's Ok.... I know that many women who have dealt with or are dealing with infertility or miscarriage hardly ever whisper those words... But I want to let you know right now... It's Ok! Let me explain... Its Ok to grieve... Its ok to cry... Its ok to feel that little pang of jealousy when you hear a friend announce they are expecting! These are real human emotions and real reactions... It makes you human... I know right after my miscarriage I actually felt guilty when I wanted to cry because I felt like I was making others uncomfortable... And I really hated the "look"... Women who have dealt with this know that "look" that I am referring to... the "you poor woman... but I am glad its not me.." look... And to be honest I have probably given that look a few times in my lifetime... I have learned that pain is inevitable but misery is optional. It is also ok to give yourself time... I think that too many times we tend to brush that emotion, that hurt that comes with miscarriage and even infertility under the carpet because its not so pleasant to deal with... In fact it down right stinks! Who wants to deal with it at all?? I mean I know for me personally I felt like I did something wrong... That is the worst feeling... the guilt! I felt like even my sweet husband blamed me for what happened (which he did NOT... could not be farther from the truth)... I know its irrational... NOW. But back then in the first few weeks following my miscarriage, I felt like "how can he NOT blame me?? I was the one pregnant! Its not like someone else messed up... what did I do wrong??" And I am here to say that there was nothing you could have done differently in most cases... It wasn't the cup of coffee I had... It wasn't the heavy grocery bag I lifted... It was not anything I did or did not do... Nor is it anything you did or did not do... I also want to say its ok to try again... I know that is a scary thing when you have had a miscarriage or even several... Its ok... Its also ok to heal. I think that we forget to do that... When we don't allow ourselves to heal emotionally, mentally and physically then we cant truly enjoy the other amazing things in our lives... We cant find hope to carry on... We tend to worry about everything needlessly... Think about this... before something traumatic happened in your life you probably never really even thought that would happen to you... you didn't worry... but then it does happen and now your thoughts are consumed with it happening again... You are not healing. I have a sweet friend who had back to back miscarriages and she and her husband had been trying for a baby for quite a while... She allowed herself to heal... And when she found herself pregnant again and those same thoughts came rushing in about "IT" happening again she found comfort and solace in this passage in the Bible, James 1:5-8

 ⁵If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
 ⁶But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.
 ⁷For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord.
 ⁸A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

I am not saying that God is some "Cosmic ATM" that we just have to ask and *SHAZAM!* it is given to us... sometimes it is not in His plans for us right then... I believe that God always has 3 answers to EVERYTHING... Yes. No. and Not Right Now.... Its Ok to have peace with any of those answers... they arent going to change... But please find what it is that makes it "Ok" for you.... Whatever it is... Its Ok.

So now that we have met....

So now that you have gotten a little history lesson on "our stories" I would like to take a second to let you know our burden... I have a burden for miscarriage having gone through that heartbreak and both my sister Christina and I have dealt with and are dealing with infertility... She more than I ... Our desire is to minister through this blog and help others. We have lots of stuff that we are dying to share on what we have researched, but please remember that we are not doctors.  Any approach you choose to use should be discussed with the physician managing your journey.  The hope is that even just one person is helped through this blog! Thank you for plugging in and joining us on this journey! We are hoping it will be a blessing and who knows, maybe God will bless one of us and we can share that experience with you on here!


Trina & Christina

Here's the story of a girl named Trina...

For all who know me know that I am for the most part a pretty private person and that I normally only let people in "so far" because THAT is my comfort level... So what I am about to do is going to be a shock to my system to say the least... I am "outing" myself and making myself vulnerable and open to EVERYONE... Not because I like discomfort but because this blog partnered with my sister is what God has laid on my heart to do so heavily that I could no longer ignore Him... So here goes... My seat belt is fastened and I am ready for the bumps this is going to bring...

First let me start by saying that I have the most incredible 2 children that any momma could ever have! I tell EVERYONE who will listen that if God told me that I could choose any two kids in the whole wide world to be mine I would have chosen the 2 He gave me because that is how AWESOMETASTIC they really are! I have an AMAZING husband who is so supportive of me, my wants, my desires, my dreams(and I can dream pretty darn BIG!!) that it is almost his Achilles heel.... I love my life and even though there are certain parts of it that I would not have chosen for myself I know, that I know, that I KNOW that's the stuff God uses... And part of that "stuff" is what I am about to open myself to... Its raw, its real, its HEART-CRUSHING and through this blog I am praying that it will be cathartic not only for me and my sweet sister but for other women who feel so alone and deserted in life over the same subject... Miscarriage and Infertility. THERE! I said it! Whew! That tasted AWFUL coming out-- even online....

My journey starts last year in 2010... Let me share a little about my crazy life... NO REALLY... I live la vida loca ALL THE TIME!!!!! My hubby is a Federal Officer and he was "stationed" 300 miles away from where we live. We decided that he would move there alone since he was assured by our government-- that should have been our first clue something might not go as planned... LOL!-- that his required minimum time in that city would only be 2 years... we thought-- its gonna be tough but we can do it and he can travel home every other weekend (every weekend would be just too expensive and especially since then gas has become more expensive than a gallon of milk)and besides we are still in the same state... Well... Once he "reported for duty" he found out that his minimum time is now actually 3 years... Well in March of 2012 that was 6 years ago... He has requested SEVERAL transfers home but alas nothing... Apparently God has different plans there huh?! And do YOU want to argue with Him over that?? Yeah-- me either... I  know what you're thinking-- "well why don't you move to where he is??" I agree! I would LOVE to live under the same roof as my husband but again-- God has other plans... Every time that I pray about moving to where he is (the city he lives in is not really the safest city nor the greatest place to raise a family-- I am not really mentioning it because of safety reasons-- for HIM and us... hes a Fed...) I ask God to be so blatantly obvious with me about the answer that there is NO mistaking what He is requiring of me as far as obedience goes. I have to pray for obvious answers from God because He knows me-- He made me for goodness sake-- He KNOWS that I will read into all kinds of things and act accordingly and get myself into such a heaping mess of trouble that I believe it is just better to ask Him like that. Trust me! It has been a LIFESAVER every time! so that is why we live 300 miles apart.

Well in 2010, we decided that God just was not done with our family yet... My hubby and I came to each other at almost the EXACT same minute and said "Lets have a baby!" and actually he had been asking me for a few years before that to expand our brood but I always told him that we had the "perfect family" we have a boy and a girl... I am going to be honest with you here-- I had NO desire to have another baby! My son was 8 lbs 9 oz and my daughter was 9 lbs 9 oz (PRAISE THE LORD FOR C-SECTIONS!!!!!) But I could see he had such a desire for another baby that I started to pray "God, if YOU want us to have another baby I am going to need YOU to change my heart about it because if you leave it up to me-- it ain't happenin'...." (come to think of it-- I pray like that a lot... ) So anyway-- I kept praying and suddenly my "I can only love 2 kids" heart had changed and now I felt the same desire as my husband! WHAT?! How did that happen you ask?? Well when you start praying for rain you had better put on your raincoat and carry an umbrella! So there we were... ready! But now... timing! he is after all 300 miles away... not always conducive to conception... So we tried and tried and prayed and prayed... then in the end of May of 2010 we found out-- we were EXPECTING!!!!! I cannot tell you how over the moon our whole family was! It was exciting news! My daughter who was 9 at the time that we had found out was really the last baby to be born in our family... So we were so happy! I would start buying a pack of diapers here and there and a few things I could not live without for our "lil peanut" as we lovingly referred to it. I even bought baby books so that "big brother" and "big sister" could see and track progress. To say the least we, as a family of 4 and 1/3 we were electrified! We decided that we would wait to tell friends and church family until the "safe" 2nd trimester... I mean even though I had already had 2 safe full-term pregnancies, I was, however, getting "up there" in age...

I had the same doctor for both of my kids and the year before we found out that he no longer took our insurance and I really trusted him! So I figured that I would find a temporary doctor until I could switch our insurance in November to one he took. I mean-- really -- I was a pro at this pregnancy thing right?! I could hold off.... Well I found a doctor near home... So I called and made my appointment! YAY! This was REAL!!!! I mean-- I had an APPOINTMENT!!!!! I went to my appointment... Disappointment doesn't even begin to cover the feelings I had for this doctor...My first visit he told me that once he delivered my baby by C-Section that he would go ahead and tie my tubes since I would already be "opened up"... WHAT?? Did I black out for a second and ask him to do that or did he REALLY just make that decision on his own for my ovaries??  But I thought-- "No! You are comparing him to YOUR doctor-- you cannot do that-- give him a chance! And besides... its only until November-- remember??" So I stayed on with him and made my appointment for the next month for a sonogram. I was going to be 10 1/2 weeks... I went to my sonogram appointment in his office... so excited to maybe be able to "see" my lil peanut! Maybe even get some pictures to post on Facebook when the time came for us to shout to the world that we were gonna have another baby! But immediately I could tell that something was wrong... And then he said it.. " I am going to send you to the radiology department of the hospital... I cant find the baby's heartbeat." And just like that my world froze... What did that mean??  Was I being punked?? Was Ashton Kutcher hiding someplace to surprise me?? I must say that I was determined that I was not going to let this doctor see me cry! I thanked him and went on my way to the radiology department. I made a quick stop to text my prayer warrior friends to start praying for me! The lady did all of her tests. I asked her if she saw anything... I mean-- I had my friends praying for a miracle! And besides that the doctors office had such outdated equipment that it WAS possible that they made a mistake. She, like every tech will, told me that she could not discuss it but my doctor would call me... Once I left the radiology department, I called my doctors office and asked that once the results came in they call me immediately. The person on the phone told me "Well if she didn't say anything to you then its good news! Congratulations!" So for the rest of the day I was on cloud nine! That was July 14th. I remember that because the next day was my wedding anniversary....

I will say this... God gives us mercies in the little things that when we look back we realize how truly BIG those mercies really were... On the morning of my anniversary, July 15, 2010. I woke up so tired that I texted my boss to let him know that I would be late that moring since I was moving so slow... Thank the Lord for understanding bosses! As I was about to get into the shower my phone rang. The caller ID said it was my doctor. He must be calling me to tell me that everything was ok I thought to myself... So I picked it up... I will probably not forget his words for a long time to come but he said so matter of factly that the words hurt "Did the tech tell you anything yesterday?"  I said no and that his person in his office told me that was good news-- that if something had been wrong she would have said something. He then said "Well I got the report back and it is just what I said yesterday-- the baby has no heartbeat. I am going to schedule you for a D&C for tomorrow. It is fairly safe I have done hundreds so its really no big deal. I will have my person call you for scheduling a time. ok? see you then." and then we hung up. Fairly safe? Hes done hundreds? Well I haven't had hundreds so its not really that common for me now is it?? I was devastated. that was 9 in the morning. I knew that Javi (my hubby) was still asleep 300 miles away because he had worked the midnight shift the night before... All I remember feeling was numb and alone. I called him anyway. I hated that I was going to ruin his anniversary the way mine had been but I really NEEDED him! A 3 1/2 hour trip took him 2 1/2 hours that day.

I remember praying about it... Really intensely! I remember talking to a sweet friend about it and she told me not to do anything permanent until I got a "Second Opinion".... She was right! I thought-- well even though I am positive when I conceived (Hubby was only home every other weekend...) maybe I was not as far along as I thought... Once my husband got to the house we decided that we would go to the ememrgency room and have them do some tests... So 8 hours and a sonogram later it was confirmed... Our lil peanut was gone. I remember thinking about how devastating and helpless I felt... The doctors gave me the name of another doctor to follow up with and meds to help my body miscarry.... And just like that all of the dreams we had for our baby were gone. I remember thinking that somehow my body had betrayed me... that I must be broken some how-- that my womb was broken... So we went home and I started on the meds... I was assured that the medicine they gave me would take affect immediately so in the next 48 hours it would be all "over".... After 48 hours NOTHING had happened.... Was this a cruel joke?? I really wanted NEEDED for this to be over so that I could start to heal emotionally and mentally not to mention physically....  We went to the follow up doctor the hospital recommended and he did a sonogram... Yep-- that is the 3rd one... I remember thinking and telling my husband "I cant do this anymore-- I cannot do one more sonogram! I have not ever had so many sonograms for a dead baby!" and just like that my sweet husband who had been so strong FOR ME started to hurt on the outside-- he kept it together long enough and I could see that he felt helpless too... I had forgotten that my sweet husband had lost a baby too... And I could see he was trying to find a way to make it stop hurting for me and I could see in his eyes that he couldnt... and then I saw how incredibly helpless he was too. We were in this together... All he way... And we were going to get through this hurt... TOGETHER. My bond with my husband had never been as strong as it was that day and has continued to be . I realized that we were one... One flesh that was floating in a sea of hurt and we were clinging to each other. I truly love that man! He is my rock and I am more grateful for him every day that passes....My incredible husband was Gods gift to me!  Once the doctor came back in he told me that the meds were not working and he was going to up my dose to a level that he had never heard of any woman taking... So we went home...And we did the meds...And waited... and nothing happened... Again in my grief I realized that my broken womb was protecting my dead baby... My body was not letting go! This was the most agonizing thing I had ever been through... Why was God allowing me to suffer like this????

We prayed about it and then we decided that we would find abother doctor to do a D&C since the doctor the hospital referred us to was AMAZING he alas did not take our insurance.... DRAT!!!! And by this time enough was enough! I looked up on our insurances website a list of doctors... God was in that too... He pointed me to a doctor that I would not normally have gone with but I called and made an appointment for the next day... Javi and I went and met the doctor.... Here come those mercies again-- I was so upset that I could not eat... And when I saw the doctor and he did an exam he asked when I would like to do the "surgery"... I looked at him with tears in my eyes and asked if we could do it that day... He asked if I had eaten anything... (God, thank you!) I said no... so he scheduled my surgery for that day... I will say that this is now my new doctor because he was so amazing and the care he and his staff took and gave to me and Javi was something I could never repay! And so that night started the healing for our family...

I will say this-- I know some of you may not understand what I am about to say but those who call Jesus Savior, Friend, Teacher, HEALER know... As much as this time in my life was THE suck... I know that God has a plan for our family! And another thing-- IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL! I really honestly dont have a choice in that after all but I know in Heaven there is a little half Cuban/ half Polock baby running around that is the twinkle in Gods eye and He calls that baby "Peanut"... How can THAT  not possibly be well with my soul??!!

This has been a very painful entry to write and it has been wrought with tears and through tear covered eyes but I know that it was written for someone. God is going to heal someone through this... To not feel so alone. I think that too many women suffer through this alone becasue they feel like they HAVE to... I know that there were some people who only meant the very best who would tell me that this was probably a blessing in disguise or that at least I hadnt felt the baby move yet or that thank goodness I hadnt seen its sweet face yet... These are probably the reasons women keep this locked inside of them... There is HOPE! I keep coming back to Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..." How sweet is that????  He has a plan for my life! Even the sucky icky parts-- HE has a plan! And I will cling to that with ALL that I am!

I will end this entry with this... My husband and I are still wanting a baby (and trying for one) but we crave Gods will for our lives so much more and if it is His will to only have 2 beatiful little people (well not really so little-- our son is 16 and our daughter is 11) then we are perfectly happy with those 2! But if He choses to bless us with more then we will welcome them with open arms! But our lil Peanut will be in our hearts until the day we meet that little sweetie in Heaven!

Pain is inevitable... but misery is optional!

Isaiah 40:31

But that they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their stength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles.  They shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.  Isaiah 40:31

I woke up with this scripture chorus running through my head this morning.  It applies to so many areas in my life, but particularly trying to concieve.   The times the race leaves me weary are the times I'm not waiting on the Lord.  His plan is perfect.  I have no questions about that.  It's the waiting that I struggle with.

Great thought!

I was browsing Pinterest.com and found the greatest quote ever!!!! 


"Just because God's not answering your prayers doesn't mean He isn't listening.  He's just got something better in store for you ."  :-)

PCOS-Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome~ a leading cause of infertility~

It's been about 10 years since I was diagnosed. Back then, even more so than now, PCOS was fairly unheard of. I pretty much knew that I didn't ovulate regularly, but that was the extent of my knowledge. My sister-in-law then showed me an article in Woman's Day, or some similar magazine. I had every symptom listed in the article. I had an appt at that time to do a fertility work-up. We had been trying to conceive for about a year with no success at that point. The doctor confirmed my suspicions, I had PCOS. At that time little was know about treating the disease. I continued on Clomid, an ovulatory stimulant, for 6 cycles, with no luck. At that point I was done with pill popping, charting basal temperatures, and checking cervical mucus, not to mention the carefully timed intimate meetings with my husband. We decided to take a little time off, though I did not go back on birth control. In the months following, it seemed as if everyone was announcing their pregnancy. While I was happy for most of them, you know there's always at least one that you ask the Lord "why them and not me," I was really sad that nothing was happening for us. It was time to go back to the doctor.

After our break, I decided to go to a specialist. Now that it had been about a year, there was some progress made in PCOS research. It was becoming known that many PCOS women are also insulin resistant, and many doctors were placing their patients on Metformin, or Gloucophage. While at the specialist, I too was given a prescription of the drug, as well as a high blood pressure med and a cholesterol lowering med, even though both of the latter issues had not been developed. While on these three meds, I became very ill. I would nearly faint in the shower, I could not eat without feeling nauseous. All due to the side effects of the meds. I took myself off of all the meds, and stopped seeing the doctor. Let me just say that this is in no way advised, but I have never been a very good patient anyway. We again decided that we would not actively try to conceive, but would look into other options.

It was around this time that my husband got a job transfer that would move us about 120 miles away. We decided that I would not look for a job in our new city, and we would research alternate options to become parents. We looked into foreign adoptions, but decided the cost was higher than we wanted to pay. Domestic infant adoptions were not much different. Then we looked into foster care. Our first thoughts were that we would foster while taking a break in trying for a biological baby. When we met with our certifier, we told them that while we were not specifically looking to adopt, if children in our care came up for adoption, we would love to have them. We got our first placement just a few weeks after we had completed all our classes. A sibling set of 2 was placed with us. The little girl was only eleven months old, and had been in foster care for six months, her brother was nearly 4 and had been in and our of foster care his whole life. The Lord allowed us to care for these children for 2 whole years. We really thought that they would come up for adoption, and by that time we were really ready to adopt. Upon their reunification with their biological mother, we accepted a new placement. Three children, a 7 year old, a 3 year old and a 15 month old. Just 3 months after their placement we got a call from their social worker asking if we would be willing to take their new baby brother. Of course we said yes. We were able to bring baby "Jay-Jay" home from the hospital. He stayed with us for a month, then returned to his biological mom. For a full year, we wondered where he was and how he was doing. Almost a year to the day, Jay came back to us. Three and a half years after they first came to us, our adoption became final, and we became a forever family.

As painful as our journey was, it's easy to see that all along the Lord knew which children were meant to be ours. If just one bump along the road had been removed, our children would not be with us. When we were facing the reunification with our first placement, I stumbled along a verse that spoke volumes to me. I now declare it as my life verse- Isaiah 55:8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Christina